This One's for the Boys

It seems that in recent months, there has been a lot of marrying and giving in marriage around here - and it looks like I have been doing all the giving.

The subject of marriage is one that is often covered in the news. There is plenty in print about same-sex marriage. Numerous articles have been written about the sad state of marriage among heterosexual couples. Too many end in divorce; others just end up being two people sharing the same house, going their own way, doing their own thing – a marital cold war. In recent years, a growing number of individuals have decided to forgo marriage altogether and just cohabitate. Many believe in serial monogamy: when one relationship fizzles out, there is always a new opportunity around the corner.

Although the institution of marriage may have fallen on hard times in the world around us, the Bible reveals that there are fundamental principles that will lead to a lasting, satisfying, and successful relationship. Paul was inspired to write those foundational keys on which every marriage should be based in Ephesians 5:22-33. This passage gives men several instructions to ensure that husbands know how to treat their wives and, thus, have a joyous and happy marriage.

Sadly, in the world around us, many men are totally ignorant of the keys to a successful marriage. They do not put into practice even one of the principles emphasized in Ephesians 5. Some men say their wife is stupid, or they disparagingly call her “my old lady.” The police blotters are full of incidences of men doing the absolute opposite of what the Bible instructs. Too many of those end up with a hearse taking away the one the man had promised to provide for and protect.

So what does Ephesians 5 say?

Ephesians 5:22-33

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^* of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."^{* 32} This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The Husband Is Head… as…

The first instruction for husbands is that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church; and He is Savior of the body. A successful marriage has the right structure and is administered the right way. The word “as” tells us that a man will lead his wife in the same way Christ leads the church. Christ does not beat the church; He does not spew forth a barrage of verbal attacks; and He does not treat the church like a slave. Instead, He shows patience, love, compassion and mercy. He builds up and edifies. He willingly gave Himself up for our benefit. Christ’s emphasis in leadership is on service, not ruling as the Gentiles do (Matthew 20:25-28). When men realize they were not called to be lords and masters, but were called to serve as Christ served, their marriage has a tremendous opportunity for success. A husband must look out for his wife’s best interest, not his own. He must serve, give, and sacrifice.

Love Your Wife

Next, look at the most often mentioned principle: v25) “love your wives”; v28) “love their own wives”; v28) “loves his wife”; and v33) “love his own wife.” The point seems to be that men really should love their wives. The Greek verb here is “agapao,” which corresponds to the noun “agape.” This love is the kind that God the Father has for Christ and for us and is described in action in Galatians 5:22-23 as the fruit of the Spirit. A Christian husband will show self-control, kindness, gentleness, longsuffering, and faithfulness in dealing with his wife. I Corinthians 13:4-8 also gives specific areas to address – such as not seeking your own way and not being rude.

In Ephesians, we are taught that Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. The purpose for His love and sacrifice is to set the church apart and make it glorious and without spot and wrinkle. When men love their wives as Christ loved the church, the wife is built up and edified. Wives, who live in an atmosphere of love, grow in grace and knowledge and develop the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman. We are all built up in the Way of God when we abide in His words. A husband can build up his wife with the right kind of words – words of praise, love, and kindness.

Nourish and Cherish

Verse 29 indicates that Christ nourishes and cherishes the church, just as humans take care of their own bodies. The instruction is that men should love their wives as themselves (v.33). So how can a man nourish and cherish his wife as Christ does for the church? What do these words mean?

“Nourish” comes from the Greek word, “ektrepho” which means “to rear up to maturity… to cherish or train” (Strong’s). Thayer’s defines the word as “to nourish up to maturity.” The root word means “to rear, feed, and nourish.” Husbands are given the responsibility of helping their wives mature and develop. Saying “I just can’t understand women” just does not cut it. For a man to foster positive growth and development, he needs to understand the female mind and emotions. It is important for a husband to be mindful of his wife’s strengths and weaknesses as he encourages and builds her up. The basic nourishment a husband feeds his wife is love, in all its manifestations.

“Cherish” comes from the Greek word “thalpo” and means “to warm… or foster” (Strong’s). Vines Expository Dictionary says cherish means “‎to heat, to soften by heat… to keep warm…‎to cherish with tender love, to foster with tender care.” Have you ever seen a hard, bitter woman? If you have, there is a good chance she has never been cherished. Successful husbands help their wives become the soft and kind individuals God intended by cherishing them with tender love and tender care.

Practical Suggestions

So what are some practical things men can do to fulfill their responsibilities in marriage?

§ Spiritual nourishment: Make sure your wife has time for Bible study and prayer each day and take time to pray and study together often.

§ Mental nourishment: Encourage your wife to read and develop her strengths and interests.

§ Social nourishment: Make sure your wife has a circle of friends and has social contact with others.

§ Enable: Give your wife the tools she needs to fulfill her responsibilities. (Many men like to make sure they get their toys and tools, but never provide much for their wives).

§ Give: Provide your wife with the “little things” – flowers, a new dress, an appointment for a new hairdo. Doing that shows you cherish her.

§ Listen: Spend time listening to your wife and fulfilling her needs. Listening lets her know she is special – or set apart – to you.

§ Take Time: Plan special events for the two of you often. When you do something special for her, she will be special for you always.

The Bible reveals the foundational principles for a successful and happy marriage in Ephesians 5. When every couple first marries, they have the potential for a wonderful and joyous relationship. Husbands, who love their wives, who serve them, give to them, and nourish and cherish them in words, deeds, and actions, will have wives who are very special. When the one who is the head of the house practices these principles, good results will be produced. So, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church!